Catch Me.

When I lay there, cuddled up in your arms; it's the best feeling in the world, not needing to care what I look like (even though I do, I doubt there'll be a time where I'm not thinking "I hope I don't look a state right now") and to just be able to listen to your heartbeat and relax.
You're the boy who brightened everything up.

You got rid of the pain that he'd caused, you made it seem stupid and something that could easily be forgotten.
You made everything alright again in this heart of mine.

When I look at you, I see the boy that I knew right from the start would one day be mine.

Thinking back to that first day, oh it makes me laugh.
I was so young, so far from being as mentally old as I am now.
A lot happened between the first day I saw you and that day when you sent me that text saying "Happy Easter :) x", the day that everything started.

He was a plan at first, he was only there to help me move on from you and maybe make you realise what you'd one day lose as soon as I'd moved on.
But I never did, no matter how much I'd convinced myself that I had.
I'd still catch myself glancing your way to see if you were looking.
And although I thought I loved him, I don't think I did, not really. He was never meant to hurt me the way he did either, he was meant to take care of me, funny how things work out.

I can never listen to you tell me how my plan turned out to be more successful in a way I'd never have imagined. Tell me again sometime?
That time you told me that when you saw I was moving on made you jealous in a way, made you realise what you were losing, it made me feel so loved. It showed me that the ache I suffered with was worth it in the end. I got my boy.

It showed me that nothing is impossible, that anything can happen if you just leave it and let it come to you. If it's meant to be, it'll happen.

That first day we kissed, was one of the best days I've had so far. I've never been so nervous before, and looking back at it now it makes me laugh. Who knew that love, something that's supposed to be the most amazing thing on this planet, can be such a nuisance and can make you feel so terrified? It's worth it though, because there's nothing like that feeling I get when I'm with you.

The butterflies aren't noticable anymore, I'm that used to them. I just feel warm whenever I'm with you, like there's nothing in the world but you (and Alice of course).
I used to be afraid, scared to be hurt by someone. I've never liked giving people the chance to have the upper hand. I like to be in control and anything but vulnerable.

But I knew right from day one, that if anyone, you'd be the one boy I could trust with my overly fragile heart. Take care of it, it's been hurt too much already. I love you, a hell of a lot.

Let Downs and Growing Up.

Whenever I want to be the centre of your attention
I never am

but when I want to be left alone to my own devices
you don't seem to get the hint.


you let me down
i needed you more than ever and you simply didn't show any caring for me whatsoever

it was like i wasn't even needed in your life

like i meant nothing


i've never felt so worthless before.



the previous night i felt rejected
unwanted.
like i simply didn't exsist.



i don't think i've hurt this much in a while.




-


sometimes in life you have to make sacrifices
i've been thinking about what you told me earlier.
i know the perfect girl for that job.
she's my best friend, and she's full of so many ideas, beautiful and brilliant.

i'd sacrifice my future for hers, she's a better person than i ever will be.



but don't get me wrong; i'm going to make it in this world.
i'm gonna make a name for myself.
things are starting to fall into place, i'm discovering more about myself every single day.
i'm on the road to finding myself, and that road is leading me straight to happiness.
i've got several options, i'm stood at a crossroads and i'm gonna take my time to decide which way i go.

world, i think i'm growing up.

I'm Taking It One Day At A Time.

Things change, people change, places change and so do faces.

I don't want to be caught out, I want to make sure that I'm almost always prepared for anything. I'm taking each day step by step because nothing can determine what is going to happen.
Things are starting to fall into place. I have a new digital camera, and my photoshop arrived. I just need my remote for my self timer and I've got my electronics sorted for now, until of course in june when my contract will be up and I'll need a new phone.

So things are starting to look up, I'm just worried about how long it'll be for. Cause whenever I'm perfectly happy it seems to end pretty rapidly.

But so far so good, and I'm gonna try to keep it this way. The only thing that's wrong is I want to see A. But because of her approaching exams it looks like I'm going to have to wait until summer, but hopefully we'll have a brilliant time together then :)

Positive thinker? Yeah that's me, sometimes.

Lie After Lie.

That's all you are.
I want to give up on this, on us ever being friends.
But it's not that simple is it?

It never is.
And for someone as simple minded as you are on the outside, towards everyone else, you're far more complicated than anyone I think I've ever met.

Irony seems to follow me wherever I go.
You're the biggest example of that, so far.

You're the small child and I'm the adult, yet you're older than I.



I'm just praying that you're going to grow up before the world swallows you whole, no matter how much I despise your exsistance sometimes, I'd never wish for you to be a failure.
Promise me you'll sort yourself out one day?

Happiness Hit Her Like A Bullet In The Back.

Things in this world are so sudden.
Things can change with the simple click of your fingers.
Things aren't ever permanent, no matter what people say.

Permanent marker? Yeah it's not that permanent.
If you can't trust a supposedly everlasting pen, then you can't trust people's word can you?

The only thing I truly and utterly trust in this world, is the fact that I'll always love some people that are in my life even if they ever hurt me, and that I'll always be true to myself. I won't ever let myself get hurt if its not worth the pain.

Hey world, think you can handle me? Think again.

And Isn't It Ironic?

Don't you think? It's like raaaain on your wedding day, it's a free riiiiide when you've already paid!

Ahem,
Back to my point. Or actually... just plain to my point.

Isn't it annoying how whenever you're over someone, through with them being in your life that they are determined to pop up everywhere, appear wherever you go and won't just seem to.. fuck off?

I walked with him, and I was tempted to grab hold of his hand, swing it back and forth so that you wouldn't miss it. Then I realised, the bag I was holding over my shoulder. That very same bag you gave me, that very same bag I'm going to use because it's no use putting it to waste, but I wonder if you noticed, probably not. I covered some of it up you know, because I can't bare to think about what the face of that monkey reminds me of.


Heart! We will forget him, you and I tonight.

Erasing Memories,

he put your song on today
we were in the car
and it got me thinking

what am i doing? do i want my friend back or do i truly want you gone.

i'm covering up our memories, i'm sewing over that present. it's symbolic to me.
you're tucked up in the back of my mind.
and somewhere deep down
i think you'll always be there.
until the day where my last breath leaves my body.


but i wish you weren't.


in your brown eyes, i walked away. in your brown eyes, i couldn't stay.

clueless

oh my freaking god.
will anything ever be simple?

you walk past me twice today.
what did i do when i saw you coming?
raised my voice so that you'd hear i was having an amusing conversation, and the second time stressed out and pretended to be pissed off by the little kids taking about half an hour to get through the doorway.

this just proves to me, that i need someone who's fucked up in my life so i can carry their burdens for them, just like i've done for you more than once. but half of them i'm not even sure were true, i think you played them off me for your own sick happiness. to know that i cared. did it make you feel loved? i hope it did, cause i did love you, you big twat of an idiot. but you're screwing that up more and more everyday that passes by. want me to still care? fix this.


i used to think that i liked complications, i liked having something to think about late at night when i couldn't sleep. but this thing, i'm not so sure i like.

i can't handle this, i want everything to be like it was.
i want my feelings to make themselves known, just simply. so i can understand what's going on.


who knew that me, the girl who knows everything about dealing with awkward situations, would actually be for once, clueless.
it's funny how things change.

I DONT KNOW

what to do with myself.
oh fuck what the hell shall i do with my life?
i love my photography
but i need photoshop and more space on my laptop
i really want a macbook but we have no bloody money to buy one and i dont wanna spend my entiiiire savings from when i was like 7 on one laptop that because of my past experiences with electronics, im only gonna break.
i've decided that when i'm 16
im gonna take holiday jobs
like maybe at urban outfitters, or topshop or some high street shop
so at least i'll get a discount right?

it'll help me get some more money too. but for the meantime i just have to sit here feeling useless and wanting to decide what the hell i'm going to do for the next three years i've got left of school.

this summer
im gonna go to the beach as much as possible i want beach shoots.
i want to model but i'm too fxcking small to do it properly in the fashion business.

i need to get photoshop
and i need to get a remote control for my camera and find out how to fix my self timer and make it work better.
i can feel the depression i had about this time last year coming back, grreeat.

i want to start making my own clothes and stuff.
soon as easter comes around i'm buying a shitload of material etc and i'm gonna sort myself out. i need to decide what to do with my art coursework and get back on track.


bllehhh , simple life's too much sometimes. never mind other complications.