where?

i miss the way you used to hold me whenever you could.
i miss your hand on my knee.
i miss the days where it wasn't always me reaching out to hold your hand when we walk.
i miss the passion.
i miss when you were affectionate at every opportunity.
i miss your kisses.
i miss the boy who made me laugh almost all the time.
i miss when you'd let me tickle you.
i miss the way you used to look at me like i held the world in my hands, like i was the world.

where's my boy gone? i know he's still there, but i'm finding it hard to find him again.

come back please.

they tore me apart like a hurricane.

i absolutely hate feeling like this. helpless. lost. confused. angry. did i mention, lost?

you're really bugging me. someone needs to shout at you. find your own boys to like, don't talk like mad to boys that'll never love you the way a boy should.
for goodness sake. just sort yourself out.
you're up and down all the time, more than the average girl, and believe me it irritates most of the people around you more than you'll ever know. we're too fucking nice to say anything about how whiney and irritating you can be sometimes. because we're your friends and deep down we love you too much to hurt you by being so harsh.

but honestly? right now i want to be that harsh because you're just messing with the wrong person.

he's the type of boy you'd fall for. i know it so.
because i did too.

but please, i'd never talk that much to one of your friends that i didnt know.
and liking that? oh my god do you want a slap? cause next time i see you - you're heading towards getting one.


you can't ever love him like i do, you won't ever care as much as i do. so don't even go there, or i will be forced to shout at you until i'm finally through with being your friend.


don't dare me, because i'll carry it through.

lookbook

inspired.

so me and alice were inspired. 
by "rosie + josie"
and have made our own blog that's a little like theirs, though of course it's only just started so we've barely even got to grips with it.


also alice hasn't even had internet tonight haha :) 


http://aliceetrosiex.blogspot.com/

at the moment, there is only my introduction to myself soooo.. watch that space!

wantwantwant.

so. i just made a wordpress blog, and i think that it'll be for my photography whereas this one is for ranting and other such things.

click here to go to my new wordpress blog

however, i'm stuck on one little thing. should my photography be titled "rvmc photography" oooor "thelightsareon photography" (the lights are on could be seperated? idk).

anyways.
this blog is dedicated purely to my little clothes wishlist right now.
i wish i was rich enough to buy all the clothes i wanted when i wanted.

I had a bit of an urban outfitters purge, and these are all the things i found that i love.

now, here's what i want to wear to frankie, emily & my party (note, we're thinking the theme is gonna be greeks & romans).

urban outfitters (headband & bracelet).

but when it comes to my dress. i've got 3 in mind, all from lipsy so, comments would be appreciated.

 designed & modelled by pixie lott.

so that's it for now. this took forever to do haha!

weekend news

last night was simply beautiful, that's all i have to say about it.
lying next to you in the dark, the only light coming from the laptop on the floor and the crack in the door. i could've easily stayed there forever.

-----------------------------

yesterday afternoon i went shopping with mummy and she bought me quite a lot of new stuff.
the skins novel, the comedy gala dvd, hold me down - ymas cd, along with some new clothes.
i've got about 4 more lookbook photos to upload but they only let you upload one every six hours.
so sneak preview for you, (but they're nothing special).

new shorts from miss selfridge

blue jumper from topshop (its supposed to be too small length-wise).

this one's on lookbook already. the shoes are from the "goth shop" in darlington that i love, and the skirts from miss selfridge

jeggings - primark. and the crop jumper is from house of fraser "label lab" (thats what it says on the tag anyway. haha.

so yeah, pretty good day to be honest.

------------------------

i absolutely adore willa holland. i've had this saved for a weekish i think, and i think someone i'm following blogged it with some other photos of her. she's simply beautiful. i love people who are awkward looking like she is, she doesn't quite make sense to me but i love that. if i could be anyone, willa would definitely be one of the contenders.

on the subject of people i love...

aren't these two just adorable? jordan stephens (right) & harley alexander-sule (left). the two boys that make up rizzle kicks. i spoke to jordan on twitter the other day, and oh i'd love to be their friend.
if you've never heard of them, i think you should go youtube them or click here to go to their new website.

well, this has been a different type of blog for me. usually i just write about my feelings - but today i don't really have any outstanding ones.

nothern downpour,

there are so many things i could say to you.
i should hate you, i should probably never speak to you again
you were the first boy to hurt me, really honestly truly hurt me
i'd never felt so low before until i met you and you did what you did.
i don't know if you really actually regret it, but even if you don't you're human so you're bound to be a little bit sorry i hope.

it was so hard to smile at you, but so easy at the same time.
i've never felt so, controversial.
and like such a schizophrenic.
half of me wanted to hit, kick, punch and scream at you until you broke down
the other half of me just wanted to be around you every moment of every day, just like we used to be.

we were never anything but friends to me
i realise that now.
i loved you, but only like a brother... a weird one at that but it was true. it just took me until now to realise that.

the thing i love most about you is you know how to make me laugh, you understand the things that make me smile.


you always seem to link back to the rain. i have no idea why but whenever i think of you, a song will play about the rain.. or something along those lines. it's bizarre.

and i don't know how it gets better than this, you take my hand and drag my head first, fearless, and i don't know why but with you i'd dance in a storm in my best dress, fearless.

i'll never, ever be able to say everything i feel toward you. i'll never tell someone absolutely everything i've thought about you, everything i've ever wanted to say to you. because there's simply so much, and a lot of it hurts to think about.

i thought about the first day i really spoke to you today. it was the 23rd of january. it was dark outside, you'd just left georgina and i was too excited to see you to think of the consequences of it. the time we spent talking about absolutely nothing in particular, wandering aimlessly, it was nice. it was easy. i could talk to you like i'd known you for years, like you were alice almost, i trusted you right from the start. i've never been able to trust somoene that quickly, my trust needs to be earnt, and takes a long time - most of the time it takes me years to trust people. i don't trust half of my friends, that's how terrible i am.
when they found us, i couldn't help but think that i didn't give a damn, that i'd found something worth fighting with them for. i didn't care what they thought, all we were doing was talking. but i couldn't help but worry what chloe would do to me, i don't fear any of them like that any more.
when sophie shouted at me, i almost told her to piss off - but it wasn't worth falling out with one of my best friends over, i'd decided i'd explain to her later, i needed to leave.

i kinda liked the smile on olivia's face when she saw us in the art block, she was the one girl out of those looking for us that i thought, "she doesn't take sides, she doesn't mind what we do." i liked that. i've respected her a little more since that night, even though i barely know her now, just like i did then.

you've left me fragile, but i'm mending slowly. and you've made me stronger, so i guess along with all the laughs you've brought to me, i have more than enough to thank you for.

i wish i could see you more, i miss our talks. i miss our stupid arguments.
i loved the way whenever we really argue, i cry, you punch a wall.

we're probably the most dysfunctional pair of people this world has ever seen, but does it look like i care?

i think i'm finally coming to terms with what happened between us over this past year. and no matter what, i'll always care about you n. xx

set me free.

i wanna break free.
i need to do whatever the hell i please.
i'm like a bird, but i'm caged. there's love flowing through my veins, and it yearns to be able to take me to wonderful places but im being stopped. i've gotta get through these next few years of school, through the things that older people want me to do. i need to gather my bearings so i can survive later.
but i don't want to. i want to go wherever the wind takes me. i want to be able to chop and change with where i'm going, what i'm doing, the places i'm seeing, the faces i'm seeing before my very eyes.
i love so much, yet none of it fits.

i'm too wrapped up in this dull world and what its forcing me to do. i need to run, spend some time alone, far far away from the rest of this messed up life we're forced to live during our prime.

i'm young, i shouldn't be made to be so tied down like this.



i want to be able to love unconditionally. i want a passion that's so strong it overwhelms me. i want clarity - where am i going with my life?
i wanna know why i'm here on this earth. what's my purpose?

i love nirrimi hakanson's passion for her photography, it's inspiring and beautiful. she's just plain raw talent, and a beautiful person from what i've seen. her work makes me want to give up my hopeless dream of being as good a photographer, as passionate about it as she is. at the moment i seem to lack the ability to get out of bed in the morning. i lack the people to photograph. i lack the skills with photoshop, not that photos really need to be edited to be beautiful, i suppose it just matters on the face and lighting. mainly the face.

i hate gcse art and its restrictions. i'm not supposed to even think about putting a message into my work, but thats the only thing i want. what's the point in having a subject that's so defining, why can't i just be vague. i want to show the beauty of humans. i want to show everything that they love. other people, why they love each other, the society that we all seem to wrap ourselves up in, the brainwashing media, the terror that one day there's a chance that this might all end.

there's so much i want to show those stupid examiners.
i just need to find a way.


hello world, i'm rosie and i think i just talked myself into making an effort for once.

Catch Me.

When I lay there, cuddled up in your arms; it's the best feeling in the world, not needing to care what I look like (even though I do, I doubt there'll be a time where I'm not thinking "I hope I don't look a state right now") and to just be able to listen to your heartbeat and relax.
You're the boy who brightened everything up.

You got rid of the pain that he'd caused, you made it seem stupid and something that could easily be forgotten.
You made everything alright again in this heart of mine.

When I look at you, I see the boy that I knew right from the start would one day be mine.

Thinking back to that first day, oh it makes me laugh.
I was so young, so far from being as mentally old as I am now.
A lot happened between the first day I saw you and that day when you sent me that text saying "Happy Easter :) x", the day that everything started.

He was a plan at first, he was only there to help me move on from you and maybe make you realise what you'd one day lose as soon as I'd moved on.
But I never did, no matter how much I'd convinced myself that I had.
I'd still catch myself glancing your way to see if you were looking.
And although I thought I loved him, I don't think I did, not really. He was never meant to hurt me the way he did either, he was meant to take care of me, funny how things work out.

I can never listen to you tell me how my plan turned out to be more successful in a way I'd never have imagined. Tell me again sometime?
That time you told me that when you saw I was moving on made you jealous in a way, made you realise what you were losing, it made me feel so loved. It showed me that the ache I suffered with was worth it in the end. I got my boy.

It showed me that nothing is impossible, that anything can happen if you just leave it and let it come to you. If it's meant to be, it'll happen.

That first day we kissed, was one of the best days I've had so far. I've never been so nervous before, and looking back at it now it makes me laugh. Who knew that love, something that's supposed to be the most amazing thing on this planet, can be such a nuisance and can make you feel so terrified? It's worth it though, because there's nothing like that feeling I get when I'm with you.

The butterflies aren't noticable anymore, I'm that used to them. I just feel warm whenever I'm with you, like there's nothing in the world but you (and Alice of course).
I used to be afraid, scared to be hurt by someone. I've never liked giving people the chance to have the upper hand. I like to be in control and anything but vulnerable.

But I knew right from day one, that if anyone, you'd be the one boy I could trust with my overly fragile heart. Take care of it, it's been hurt too much already. I love you, a hell of a lot.

Let Downs and Growing Up.

Whenever I want to be the centre of your attention
I never am

but when I want to be left alone to my own devices
you don't seem to get the hint.


you let me down
i needed you more than ever and you simply didn't show any caring for me whatsoever

it was like i wasn't even needed in your life

like i meant nothing


i've never felt so worthless before.



the previous night i felt rejected
unwanted.
like i simply didn't exsist.



i don't think i've hurt this much in a while.




-


sometimes in life you have to make sacrifices
i've been thinking about what you told me earlier.
i know the perfect girl for that job.
she's my best friend, and she's full of so many ideas, beautiful and brilliant.

i'd sacrifice my future for hers, she's a better person than i ever will be.



but don't get me wrong; i'm going to make it in this world.
i'm gonna make a name for myself.
things are starting to fall into place, i'm discovering more about myself every single day.
i'm on the road to finding myself, and that road is leading me straight to happiness.
i've got several options, i'm stood at a crossroads and i'm gonna take my time to decide which way i go.

world, i think i'm growing up.

I'm Taking It One Day At A Time.

Things change, people change, places change and so do faces.

I don't want to be caught out, I want to make sure that I'm almost always prepared for anything. I'm taking each day step by step because nothing can determine what is going to happen.
Things are starting to fall into place. I have a new digital camera, and my photoshop arrived. I just need my remote for my self timer and I've got my electronics sorted for now, until of course in june when my contract will be up and I'll need a new phone.

So things are starting to look up, I'm just worried about how long it'll be for. Cause whenever I'm perfectly happy it seems to end pretty rapidly.

But so far so good, and I'm gonna try to keep it this way. The only thing that's wrong is I want to see A. But because of her approaching exams it looks like I'm going to have to wait until summer, but hopefully we'll have a brilliant time together then :)

Positive thinker? Yeah that's me, sometimes.

Lie After Lie.

That's all you are.
I want to give up on this, on us ever being friends.
But it's not that simple is it?

It never is.
And for someone as simple minded as you are on the outside, towards everyone else, you're far more complicated than anyone I think I've ever met.

Irony seems to follow me wherever I go.
You're the biggest example of that, so far.

You're the small child and I'm the adult, yet you're older than I.



I'm just praying that you're going to grow up before the world swallows you whole, no matter how much I despise your exsistance sometimes, I'd never wish for you to be a failure.
Promise me you'll sort yourself out one day?

Happiness Hit Her Like A Bullet In The Back.

Things in this world are so sudden.
Things can change with the simple click of your fingers.
Things aren't ever permanent, no matter what people say.

Permanent marker? Yeah it's not that permanent.
If you can't trust a supposedly everlasting pen, then you can't trust people's word can you?

The only thing I truly and utterly trust in this world, is the fact that I'll always love some people that are in my life even if they ever hurt me, and that I'll always be true to myself. I won't ever let myself get hurt if its not worth the pain.

Hey world, think you can handle me? Think again.

And Isn't It Ironic?

Don't you think? It's like raaaain on your wedding day, it's a free riiiiide when you've already paid!

Ahem,
Back to my point. Or actually... just plain to my point.

Isn't it annoying how whenever you're over someone, through with them being in your life that they are determined to pop up everywhere, appear wherever you go and won't just seem to.. fuck off?

I walked with him, and I was tempted to grab hold of his hand, swing it back and forth so that you wouldn't miss it. Then I realised, the bag I was holding over my shoulder. That very same bag you gave me, that very same bag I'm going to use because it's no use putting it to waste, but I wonder if you noticed, probably not. I covered some of it up you know, because I can't bare to think about what the face of that monkey reminds me of.


Heart! We will forget him, you and I tonight.

Erasing Memories,

he put your song on today
we were in the car
and it got me thinking

what am i doing? do i want my friend back or do i truly want you gone.

i'm covering up our memories, i'm sewing over that present. it's symbolic to me.
you're tucked up in the back of my mind.
and somewhere deep down
i think you'll always be there.
until the day where my last breath leaves my body.


but i wish you weren't.


in your brown eyes, i walked away. in your brown eyes, i couldn't stay.

clueless

oh my freaking god.
will anything ever be simple?

you walk past me twice today.
what did i do when i saw you coming?
raised my voice so that you'd hear i was having an amusing conversation, and the second time stressed out and pretended to be pissed off by the little kids taking about half an hour to get through the doorway.

this just proves to me, that i need someone who's fucked up in my life so i can carry their burdens for them, just like i've done for you more than once. but half of them i'm not even sure were true, i think you played them off me for your own sick happiness. to know that i cared. did it make you feel loved? i hope it did, cause i did love you, you big twat of an idiot. but you're screwing that up more and more everyday that passes by. want me to still care? fix this.


i used to think that i liked complications, i liked having something to think about late at night when i couldn't sleep. but this thing, i'm not so sure i like.

i can't handle this, i want everything to be like it was.
i want my feelings to make themselves known, just simply. so i can understand what's going on.


who knew that me, the girl who knows everything about dealing with awkward situations, would actually be for once, clueless.
it's funny how things change.

I DONT KNOW

what to do with myself.
oh fuck what the hell shall i do with my life?
i love my photography
but i need photoshop and more space on my laptop
i really want a macbook but we have no bloody money to buy one and i dont wanna spend my entiiiire savings from when i was like 7 on one laptop that because of my past experiences with electronics, im only gonna break.
i've decided that when i'm 16
im gonna take holiday jobs
like maybe at urban outfitters, or topshop or some high street shop
so at least i'll get a discount right?

it'll help me get some more money too. but for the meantime i just have to sit here feeling useless and wanting to decide what the hell i'm going to do for the next three years i've got left of school.

this summer
im gonna go to the beach as much as possible i want beach shoots.
i want to model but i'm too fxcking small to do it properly in the fashion business.

i need to get photoshop
and i need to get a remote control for my camera and find out how to fix my self timer and make it work better.
i can feel the depression i had about this time last year coming back, grreeat.

i want to start making my own clothes and stuff.
soon as easter comes around i'm buying a shitload of material etc and i'm gonna sort myself out. i need to decide what to do with my art coursework and get back on track.


bllehhh , simple life's too much sometimes. never mind other complications.

tell me just one thing

why do you do this?
i sit here and think of all the times you've had me feeling like this.

low.


you've left me to fend for myself at least twice, leaving me telling me you wanted nothing more to do with me. but the truth is, i think you like playing this game with me.

testing how many times you can leave and come back and how long i'll put up with it.

i don't know what i want anymore.
do i want you to be there?

i don't know
i honestly don't know.



what are we doing?
do you even want to be my friend? really? then prove it.

paris night and new york mornings

the days go by without me even noticing. things are so crazy, it's like hazy days.
i don't know if i will ever settle down properly.
i want to be always travelling, never sure of where i'll end up.
with you by my side, i'm unstoppable.
there are three people i can't live without.

and those three are all so different. i guess they're just the things that i'm not.

a) always thinking things over and worrying over details.
b) humble and hesitant
c) completely and always fearless



me? well i have no idea who i am really. i say i'm something and go back on it a day later.
i can never make up my mind, i'm always changing paths. i have no idea where my life is going to lead me, but i hope its somewhere nice. all i want is to be happy, and to be loved by the ones i love. i want to be beautiful in every way possible, but the trouble that needs to be gone through to be like that is almost enough to make anyone insane. i want simplicity.

life cannot be lived without regrets, and believe me i have plenty for only fifteen years. but i guess they lead me to where i am right now, and though its not perfect, it's the best that's possible.

under the sheets,

we're in a mess baby, we're in a mess.

i don't know what, or who the hell you are anymore. you're a stranger and like i've said a million times before i want you out of here, out of my head and out of my life. but you refuse to leave and you seem to do anything you think that i want you to do. you lie to me to make sure that i don't have a bad impression of the person you've become since the day we ended.

while we were talking, i thought about the day i walked out of the door in the house that was "us". i remember you telling me you understood why i did it and knew just how much it had hurt me and how you had hurt me, but you really didn't understand did you? no you really didn't. you thought that maybe one day i'd heal and be ready to welcome you back into my arms like most girls would do eventually.
but i don't think i'm capable of that. you were hard to handle as it was, even more so afterwards. i fought with my head and my heart for hours on end. i didn't know what to do so i ignored it. but then he came along and showed me that i didn't have to ignore it and pretend i was okay, that i was worth more than that.

you didn't love me enough to last a week without me. you were lonely? well how do you think i was feeling. god damnit n you're one stupid boy.

when i left, later that night you texted me, saying "race ya to change fbook relationship statuses!" who in their right mind says something like that? who comes out of a relationship optimistically within two hours of it ending? you're not normal and i don't know what it is about you that's unusual, but i gotta say that that was what i liked about you.

you'd beat up anyone who upset me, you'd let me plait your hair even though people were walking past and looking at you like you were a weirdo, you made me laugh, you were clumsy and fun to be around. you may have been a little bit odd n but i liked you, i liked you a lot.


now? not so much. all the lies and the lack of effort you made to see me sometimes, it wore me down and made me feel older than i really am. it made me be a little bit more mature.
so i thank you for that, for making me a stronger person, but i certainly don't thank you for leaving the tiny little hole in my heart, i'm just glad that it'll eventually heal.

i think you got the best of me, you're sleeping with the enemy, you left me all alone. the beat drops, i'm so low, my heart stops; i already know you left me all alone. i'm sick and tired of the mess you made, baby, you're never gonna catch me cry. you must be blind if you can't see - you'll miss me til the day you die. without me, you're nothing.

sometimes

i wish that i was in a book or a tv programme or a movie
something that wasn't real
and its not cause i'm unhappy, because i'm not.
well not entirely.
there are things i would change if i could
like, having to leave everyone up north, i'd bring them down here with me because i love it here too, and there's certainly one person rooting me to this place, and others too but not in the same way.
i'd also have other people closer, like a, ah, z and mk. because those girls are amazing.

but sometimes, no matter how happy i am
i want nothing more than to be part of an always exciting world
one that doesn't seem to have average patches.

like for example, svm.
i'd probably kill to be part of that world.


vampires, werewolves, fairies, shifters and telepaths. my perfect cup of coffee, (i hate tea).

hungover,

every song is out of tune, just like you.
now the party's over, and everybody's gone.
i'm left here on my own and i wonder what went wrong?


it's so hard to see you walking past me every day, just when i'm ready to ignore you for eternity. i want you as far away from me as possible, but i want you close too. why does everything you touch immediately fuck up? maybe you're cursed, it sure as hell seems that way.
you trust me, that much is obvious. but i don't trust you, not one bit. not many people do.
i used to trust you, i can tell you that for free.

but i hate that no matter how much i tell myself that i don't need you, and am convinced of it, you won't stop making appearances when i least expect it.


get. out. of. my. life!

i don't need you fucking everything up.
sure, you contacted for a good reason that i honoured, but you needn't take that as an oppurtunity to try and be my friend again. i'm done with you, all you do is mess people around and i was one of the only ones winning to help and you threw it back in my face, so fuck you - i won't be walked over like that and shame on you for thinking that i would.

just something i've noticed,

i don't feel the need to blog unless i'm feeling slightly upset.
recently i've been pretty happy.
except g's pissing me off a lot more than usual.



in the space of time between me typing the above and now somethings happened.
fucking boy mood swings.
good lord they're terrible.

adjadjaslkdjakrjojrakfmag.


ke$ha is amazing, end of conversation.
if you haven't already got her album "Animal"
go buy it, right now or i'll set my llama on you.

impressions aren't always correct.

i got the idea that you really wanted to be my friend again
that you'd make the effort.

today, that idea crumbled before my very eyes.

when i saw you in town, we were stood in the same tiny room and what did you do? nothing, thats what. it just proves that all you really care about is yourself and that you don't want my friendship, so screw you.


this is the last time i'll ever trust you.
i'm tired of this stupid game of yours, you can keep your life to yourself now - find someone who cares because i don't, not anymore.


so here's to everything coming down to nothing, so here's to silence that cuts me to the core.

you're no-one without friends,

last night was pretty good.

i wish that me and the girls did more stuff together like that.

we never seem to go anywhere or do anything.

but this year it seems to be changing.

i love this photo. evie kennedy & sophie brown are complete and utter babes.

i can tell this girl almost anything.

Pittenweem

Pittenweem
Originally uploaded by Florian Seiffert (F*)

Y'see that picture, yeah that's where I grew up. I miss it so badly that sometimes I even cry, to think that I had everything there and didn't even appreciate it for what it really was. The seaside is where I belong, and next to that gorgeous seaside there was beautiful fields of countryside too. Going back up there just makes it harder to leave.

My heart remains in that adorable little fishing village, and it always will.

you've made your bed

so sleep in it.


run away to the army, be a complete coward.
i used to look up to you and think you were one of the bravest and strongest people i ever knew.

now?
you're so farther below that perception.
and although i'm worried about you, i simply won't let myself care what you do now.


because you so clearly want nothing to do with me, and that hurt more than the first time i learnt that; unbelievably. i thought i'd be ready for it this time, stupid girl.




well for the second time - good bye my almost lover x

the road to mandalay

i need to get it off my chest
i can't bare to keep it a secret anymore
i never told a single soul
i feared what people would think
but most of all, i feared that you would break me like the last two had.

i loved you.



i loved you far more than i should have.
and im glad i never told you.
because you did exactly what i predicted you would.

you broke me.
and i miss you.



but i wouldnt fall back in love with you if you returned
i wouldnt allow myself
because you'd break me again and you know it.
but somewhere deep down
i think you knew i loved you
i think you knew that you had my devotion and that i cared about you so much.
maybe you even broke me on purpose.
but most of me thinks that you didn't have the nerve to do that
you cared about me too
it showed.

i just think that you cared about yourself more.
and when i hurt you, that helped you decide.

but well done, you're the first boy to beat me at my own game. and you taught me so much about life, but i'll fight to the death to make sure that you'll be the last to win.

though you're gone and you'll never speak to me again, i still love you like you're my brother. the other love i felt is long gone now, but the ache for you texting me in my chemistry lessons every wednesday telling me about how much you wished you were able to talk to me all the time lingers on. i miss my gaybear, and i always wonder if you miss me.






be safe, love your rosemary x

i can do it even better in broken heels

the past two years of my life have had some major ups and downs
but it's made me such a strong person
v has been my concience for my entire life
she's taught me so much, i just didn't realise she was there until that fateful night sat at my computer when she came to life.
when i look back it all i think of everything that i miss.
i miss the days when ady sade was god.
where she was in love with a weasley twin (fred i think it was)
and when the dramatics were out of this world
it was a constant whirl of chaos but thats the way we loved it.
there were attempted suicides and hospital scenes every other week
there was so much heartbreak, yet so much love.
friendships were stronger than i've ever seen them
and i knew that this was a world that would take my mind from the rest of my worries

i was too involved, i'll admit that.
but it was hard not to be, and it always will be.
if there's anyone i love more than my three lifelines,
i hate to admit it, but its v.
she's flawlessly fucked up and she makes me smile, i may seem like a skitzo but i really couldn't give a fuck
she's like a daughter, sister, best friend, mother.
she's everything i'd like to be, everything i'll do my best to be.


but above all else,
v has taught me to love, and taught me how to hold my head high and tell everyone to fuck the hell off, taught me that i don't need anyone to survive, only that they'll sure as hell make it a lot easier. she's taught me that friendships are always going to come and go, and that once they've gone it's probably best to let it go once it's been gone for too long because desperately trying to grasp hold of it again just hurts even more. she's taught me that although love can be brutal and painful, it is something to cherish and make the most of. she's taught me that me and her will make it through, no matter what. she's taught me that it's okay to break down sometimes, because no matter what there's always gonna be one girl who'll help me back up. she's taught me that our best friends are the greatest girls ever, that although there are rough patches, we'll be okay. and that there's one thing i need in my life to survive; her, my concience, the devil sat on my shoulder telling me what i should do.

it's nice to think that she's me, that she's taught me to be stronger than i ever thought i would be because i'm never going to back down.

it ends tonight

yerno, i wish my life was perfect.
i wish you weren't such a fucking nuisance.
what the hell was i thinking
ever letting you into my life
now i can't get rid of you.
you hurt me
i should kick you.

but no
all i do is feel sorry for you
you're misunderstood
or are you?
are you just messing with everyone
making them think that you need help
that you're confused and feel somewhat upset


i don't know what to think anymore
but just when i think i'm ready to let you go
you appear and make me love you like the best friend of mine that you were all over again.

the walls start breathing, my minds unweaving, maybe its best you left me alone, a weight is lifted on this evening, i give the final blow. when darkness turns to light, it ends tonight, it ends tonight just a little insight won't make this right, it's too late to fight - it ends tonight.

i won't try to remove you from my life
its no use.

you'll just remain there, but i don't want to care anymore.

~

and then theres you. i hate the fact that you used to mean so much to me, but i seemed to mean nothing to you. well heres a little insight to how i feel about you now.

since you've gone i've lost that chip on my shoulder, and since you've gone i feel like i've gotten older & now you're gone its as if the whole wide world is my stage and now you're gone it's like i've been let out of my cage.

i don't have to listen to your stupid rules, your bossing around anymore. the day that i finally became my own person, i felt so  free and i certainly don't give a fuck what you think of me anymore, and i hope that you noticed that when it happened. i won't be a pushover, and i will never ever let you tell me what i can and can't do again, no i'm not that stupid anymore. you're just a harmless kitten, you're not scary at all.

everything was always about being cool, but now i've come to realise there's nothing cool about you at all.

let's turn back time

why is it that the past is almost always so much better than the present.
i miss so many people
so many places
so many things.


don't get me wrong, my life is pretty darn good.
but when i'm sat up here all alone
it seems like there's so much that's gone wrong.


c - i bet you didn't know, but somewhere in this room of mine there's a diary. a diary devoted to my thoughts of you, the uncontrolled madness that flowed from my every inch, that madness was for you. i found this song. it reminds me of you so much.

and i was right there beside him all summer long and then the time we woke up to find that summer gone. but when you think tim mcgraw i hope you think my favourite song, the one we danced to all not long, the moon like a spotlight on the lake and when you think happiness, i hope you think that little black dress, think of my head on your chest, and my old faded blue jeans. when you think tim mcgraw i hope you think of me. september saw a month of tears, and thanking god that you weren't here to see me like that. but in a box beneth my bed is a letter that you never red, from three summers back.

all shook up

i'm in love with the southern vampire mysteries right now.

and do you know what?

charlaine harris is my idol

for making elvis... a vampire.

i love you bubba, you're the coolest vampire that ever did, er... well you don't really live do you? you're dead.. hmm.