nothern downpour,

there are so many things i could say to you.
i should hate you, i should probably never speak to you again
you were the first boy to hurt me, really honestly truly hurt me
i'd never felt so low before until i met you and you did what you did.
i don't know if you really actually regret it, but even if you don't you're human so you're bound to be a little bit sorry i hope.

it was so hard to smile at you, but so easy at the same time.
i've never felt so, controversial.
and like such a schizophrenic.
half of me wanted to hit, kick, punch and scream at you until you broke down
the other half of me just wanted to be around you every moment of every day, just like we used to be.

we were never anything but friends to me
i realise that now.
i loved you, but only like a brother... a weird one at that but it was true. it just took me until now to realise that.

the thing i love most about you is you know how to make me laugh, you understand the things that make me smile.


you always seem to link back to the rain. i have no idea why but whenever i think of you, a song will play about the rain.. or something along those lines. it's bizarre.

and i don't know how it gets better than this, you take my hand and drag my head first, fearless, and i don't know why but with you i'd dance in a storm in my best dress, fearless.

i'll never, ever be able to say everything i feel toward you. i'll never tell someone absolutely everything i've thought about you, everything i've ever wanted to say to you. because there's simply so much, and a lot of it hurts to think about.

i thought about the first day i really spoke to you today. it was the 23rd of january. it was dark outside, you'd just left georgina and i was too excited to see you to think of the consequences of it. the time we spent talking about absolutely nothing in particular, wandering aimlessly, it was nice. it was easy. i could talk to you like i'd known you for years, like you were alice almost, i trusted you right from the start. i've never been able to trust somoene that quickly, my trust needs to be earnt, and takes a long time - most of the time it takes me years to trust people. i don't trust half of my friends, that's how terrible i am.
when they found us, i couldn't help but think that i didn't give a damn, that i'd found something worth fighting with them for. i didn't care what they thought, all we were doing was talking. but i couldn't help but worry what chloe would do to me, i don't fear any of them like that any more.
when sophie shouted at me, i almost told her to piss off - but it wasn't worth falling out with one of my best friends over, i'd decided i'd explain to her later, i needed to leave.

i kinda liked the smile on olivia's face when she saw us in the art block, she was the one girl out of those looking for us that i thought, "she doesn't take sides, she doesn't mind what we do." i liked that. i've respected her a little more since that night, even though i barely know her now, just like i did then.

you've left me fragile, but i'm mending slowly. and you've made me stronger, so i guess along with all the laughs you've brought to me, i have more than enough to thank you for.

i wish i could see you more, i miss our talks. i miss our stupid arguments.
i loved the way whenever we really argue, i cry, you punch a wall.

we're probably the most dysfunctional pair of people this world has ever seen, but does it look like i care?

i think i'm finally coming to terms with what happened between us over this past year. and no matter what, i'll always care about you n. xx