tell me just one thing

why do you do this?
i sit here and think of all the times you've had me feeling like this.

low.


you've left me to fend for myself at least twice, leaving me telling me you wanted nothing more to do with me. but the truth is, i think you like playing this game with me.

testing how many times you can leave and come back and how long i'll put up with it.

i don't know what i want anymore.
do i want you to be there?

i don't know
i honestly don't know.



what are we doing?
do you even want to be my friend? really? then prove it.

paris night and new york mornings

the days go by without me even noticing. things are so crazy, it's like hazy days.
i don't know if i will ever settle down properly.
i want to be always travelling, never sure of where i'll end up.
with you by my side, i'm unstoppable.
there are three people i can't live without.

and those three are all so different. i guess they're just the things that i'm not.

a) always thinking things over and worrying over details.
b) humble and hesitant
c) completely and always fearless



me? well i have no idea who i am really. i say i'm something and go back on it a day later.
i can never make up my mind, i'm always changing paths. i have no idea where my life is going to lead me, but i hope its somewhere nice. all i want is to be happy, and to be loved by the ones i love. i want to be beautiful in every way possible, but the trouble that needs to be gone through to be like that is almost enough to make anyone insane. i want simplicity.

life cannot be lived without regrets, and believe me i have plenty for only fifteen years. but i guess they lead me to where i am right now, and though its not perfect, it's the best that's possible.

under the sheets,

we're in a mess baby, we're in a mess.

i don't know what, or who the hell you are anymore. you're a stranger and like i've said a million times before i want you out of here, out of my head and out of my life. but you refuse to leave and you seem to do anything you think that i want you to do. you lie to me to make sure that i don't have a bad impression of the person you've become since the day we ended.

while we were talking, i thought about the day i walked out of the door in the house that was "us". i remember you telling me you understood why i did it and knew just how much it had hurt me and how you had hurt me, but you really didn't understand did you? no you really didn't. you thought that maybe one day i'd heal and be ready to welcome you back into my arms like most girls would do eventually.
but i don't think i'm capable of that. you were hard to handle as it was, even more so afterwards. i fought with my head and my heart for hours on end. i didn't know what to do so i ignored it. but then he came along and showed me that i didn't have to ignore it and pretend i was okay, that i was worth more than that.

you didn't love me enough to last a week without me. you were lonely? well how do you think i was feeling. god damnit n you're one stupid boy.

when i left, later that night you texted me, saying "race ya to change fbook relationship statuses!" who in their right mind says something like that? who comes out of a relationship optimistically within two hours of it ending? you're not normal and i don't know what it is about you that's unusual, but i gotta say that that was what i liked about you.

you'd beat up anyone who upset me, you'd let me plait your hair even though people were walking past and looking at you like you were a weirdo, you made me laugh, you were clumsy and fun to be around. you may have been a little bit odd n but i liked you, i liked you a lot.


now? not so much. all the lies and the lack of effort you made to see me sometimes, it wore me down and made me feel older than i really am. it made me be a little bit more mature.
so i thank you for that, for making me a stronger person, but i certainly don't thank you for leaving the tiny little hole in my heart, i'm just glad that it'll eventually heal.

i think you got the best of me, you're sleeping with the enemy, you left me all alone. the beat drops, i'm so low, my heart stops; i already know you left me all alone. i'm sick and tired of the mess you made, baby, you're never gonna catch me cry. you must be blind if you can't see - you'll miss me til the day you die. without me, you're nothing.

sometimes

i wish that i was in a book or a tv programme or a movie
something that wasn't real
and its not cause i'm unhappy, because i'm not.
well not entirely.
there are things i would change if i could
like, having to leave everyone up north, i'd bring them down here with me because i love it here too, and there's certainly one person rooting me to this place, and others too but not in the same way.
i'd also have other people closer, like a, ah, z and mk. because those girls are amazing.

but sometimes, no matter how happy i am
i want nothing more than to be part of an always exciting world
one that doesn't seem to have average patches.

like for example, svm.
i'd probably kill to be part of that world.


vampires, werewolves, fairies, shifters and telepaths. my perfect cup of coffee, (i hate tea).

hungover,

every song is out of tune, just like you.
now the party's over, and everybody's gone.
i'm left here on my own and i wonder what went wrong?


it's so hard to see you walking past me every day, just when i'm ready to ignore you for eternity. i want you as far away from me as possible, but i want you close too. why does everything you touch immediately fuck up? maybe you're cursed, it sure as hell seems that way.
you trust me, that much is obvious. but i don't trust you, not one bit. not many people do.
i used to trust you, i can tell you that for free.

but i hate that no matter how much i tell myself that i don't need you, and am convinced of it, you won't stop making appearances when i least expect it.


get. out. of. my. life!

i don't need you fucking everything up.
sure, you contacted for a good reason that i honoured, but you needn't take that as an oppurtunity to try and be my friend again. i'm done with you, all you do is mess people around and i was one of the only ones winning to help and you threw it back in my face, so fuck you - i won't be walked over like that and shame on you for thinking that i would.

just something i've noticed,

i don't feel the need to blog unless i'm feeling slightly upset.
recently i've been pretty happy.
except g's pissing me off a lot more than usual.



in the space of time between me typing the above and now somethings happened.
fucking boy mood swings.
good lord they're terrible.

adjadjaslkdjakrjojrakfmag.


ke$ha is amazing, end of conversation.
if you haven't already got her album "Animal"
go buy it, right now or i'll set my llama on you.