explosions, flames and calm,

don't you just hate it when everything you have seems to go up in smoke?
but then theres that lovely feeling when you realise that you haven't lost everything, no.

right now i've lost j, but we always seem to bicker, argue, fall out.
i'm not sure if we'll ever be the same, but i hope we will be.
we've both done wrong, though this time maybe it was my fault for once.
but seeing as i always backed down when it was your fault maybe i won't back down this time.
i'm sorry, forgive me.
i can't help it that you drive me insane sometimes. i know i do the same to you.

h, this isn't fair on you sweetie and i'm sorry.
if you need to choose, choose her. it'll kill me, but if you need to, do it.
you know we always fight, me and j. thats just how we are.
but this will end, maybe me and her won't be friends when it does end, but it will end.
i love you to peices, you're one of my closest friends. you cheer me up so easily when i'm upset or you calm me down when i'm angry, though i do nothing for you really.. why are we friends? it's a blessing though, that's for sure.
you make me laugh and i thank you for being the good friend that you are, promise we'll always be friends? i'll get my mum to make you a sandwich before i come out to see you in ldn. i can't wait.

a, you know i love you. i love you more than anything and i thank you so so so so much for being the coolest ginger alive, and my best friend.
also, thank you for sticking by me. it's wrong to choose sides sometimes, but at least i know you'd choose mine! haha.

l, i'm here for you baby, you know i am. lots of us are and we all love you so much, i hope you know that because it's 100% true.

you.
I LOVE YOU.
so so so much!
you may have noticed i'm avoiding you though.
why?
i'm scared.
worried.
what about school?
we'll see each other every day. twice at the least. for like.. at least 20 minutes.. so thats 40 minutes minimum every day.
and we're not used to that yet, seeing each other that often...
what if i start to feel suffocated? that's what happens to me. i feel like i've got no space, no time away from people. then i start to ignore them and they don't understand why.
oh i'm stupid. paranoid. i'm sorry.
i just feel that if we spend this next week apart, maybe it'll make school a lot easier? i don't know.
i'm just worrying.
worrying.
worrying..
i love you, don't forget that - ever.


Rx