broken doll

i'm having the worst night of my life.
first, i miss a and although i've gathered she's staying at her sisters, and she seemed to be having a good time which i'm so glad about, i need her.
i need h
i need ah

i need my three lifelines.

i worry so much about my mum
she smokes
and just now she's downstairs, maybe still on the floor - i don't know
and she's drunk
real drunk
she refuses to go to bed
my dads down there with her
she won't stop crying
and says nothings wrong.

my dad came upstairs about an hour ago when i was trying to sleep
told me to come downstairs cause my mum was upset
i asked why and he said "she thinks you're under attack"
yeah, im confused too.

she tried to tell me something while i was down there
for a second i thought maybe she knew
maybe she knew what i've done
then she told me to tell them
them being my dad and his friend who were sat at the table.

i've never seen her this bad
she even fell off her chair.
it sounds funny, and it was for a split second.
til i remembered why she fell.

although i will, i never want to touch a drop of alcohol.
or at least, not as much as she has tonight.
i think she worries about me too, but she's got nothing to worry about.
i'm strong, like v


i just wish she'd realise that i worry about her
i wish she'd change.


it's breaking my heart.
& i don't know what to do, she never listens when i tell her to stop smoking, so if i add this to the list of things for her to do, she won't listen either.



my hands are freezing cold,
i'm feeling numb
i don't know how to feel.

things like this seem to make me feel much much older.
for the first time, i had to actually be the one doing the looking after, not the other way around.
while she cried, i saw my dad's face crumple. that broke my heart even more.

what the hell is going on.